A Trigger Is Not an Emotion
We use the word for anything unpleasant. But a trigger is something narrower and far more useful: the activation of a coping mechanism written a long time ago.
People come into my office and say they were triggered, and what they usually mean is that they felt something they didn't like. That is not what a trigger is. Sadness is not a trigger. Anger is not a trigger. Those are feelings, and feelings are information — they arrive, they move, they finish.
A trigger is the activation of a coping mechanism. Something in the present resembles something old, and a strategy you built years ago to survive that old thing comes online without asking your permission. The strategy is competent. It worked once. That is precisely why it still runs.
The reason this distinction matters is practical. If you believe you were triggered because your partner was inconsiderate, the only available move is to change your partner. If you understand that a strategy activated inside you, a second move appears: you can look at the strategy.
Try this the next time it happens. Before you reach for the story, describe the body. Where is the tightness. What is the temperature. How fast is everything moving. Sensation is much harder to argue with than narrative, and it is far closer to the truth of what is happening.
Almost nobody catches it the first week. That is fine. The window between activation and behavior is about two seconds wide, and the whole practice is learning to stand inside it a little longer each time. Eventually two seconds becomes a choice.
Psychotherapist, educator and organizational consultant in Los Angeles. He teaches Relationship Mastery, an eight-week live class.
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