Why Closeness Can Dull Desire
Safety and desire draw on different currents. Understanding that they are not the same nutrient is the beginning of getting both back into the same room.
Couples arrive confused: we are closer than we've ever been, and we want each other less than we ever have. They assume something is broken. Usually nothing is broken. Two different needs are being fed from one bowl.
Closeness thrives on predictability, transparency and merging. Desire tends to want a gap — difference, separateness, something to reach toward. When a relationship becomes fully merged, there is nothing left to cross.
This is not an argument for manufactured distance or strategic unavailability. It is an argument for keeping your own life: a pursuit that has nothing to do with your partner, a room where you are not accounted for, an inner life that isn't fully disclosed at the end of each day.
The other half is language. Most people hint. Hinting protects you from the exposure of wanting, and it also guarantees you won't get what you want, which is the quieter thing hinting is really for.
Say the specific thing. Not tonight would be nice, but this is what I want and this is what it means to me. Wanting out loud is a disclosure, not a demand, and the person across from you can hear the difference.
Psychotherapist, educator and organizational consultant in Los Angeles. He teaches Relationship Mastery, an eight-week live class.
See the class →